JOKES IN ENGLISH

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

 

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

 

THE DRUG BUST

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."